5 Steps to Healthy Communication

One of the main topics that I discuss with clients is the importance of communication. The first thing to recognize is that we do a LOT of different kinds of communicating with one another. We communicate verbally and non-verbally; in person, indirectly, and via technology. We communicate passively, passive-aggressively, aggressively, and assertively, and one-on-one or in larger numbers. We communicate honestly or dishonestly, and with tact and timing, or ignoring tact and timing.

Whew! There are so many different forms and varieties of communication (and that’s not all of them) that breaking down the steps of healthy and unhealthy communication patterns can be very confusing. What adds to the complication is that we are only ever 50% of the solution – every time. (More on that in a minute.)

To make something quite complex a little more solution-focused, let’s take a brief look at the break-downs, and then create a 5-step road map for healthy communication.

Break-downs in communication are typically felt above anything else. We can feel hurt, betrayed, misunderstood, ashamed, guilty, nervous, frustrated, unheard, embarrassed, or another equally dissatisfying emotion. Common forms of communication break-downs include: unproductive arguments, not listening to one another, silent treatment, reacting wildly or out of character, making assumptions, lying or omitting truths, or blaming others for our behavior.

We all know the break-downs, right? We’ve all been there and experienced the aftermath, too. When we’re so used to communication break-down, how do we begin to interact in a healthy way?

5 Steps to Healthy Communication

1. Tell the truth. It seems so simple, and we all know that it’s the right thing to do. That does not make this easy! There are a lot of reasons to lie. Maybe we’re used to denying our own feelings to make others feel good or to avoid negative emotions. Sometimes we feel too guilty about something to own up. Or we don’t know how to be that vulnerable with another person. Any of these reasons make for an easy trap to not tell the truth. The best antidote to lying is to start small. Tell someone a truth that seems obvious to you or them. You could start with a truth-telling text. Or perhaps you could say a positive truth that doesn’t feel so risky, like “You’re making my day right now. Thank you!” Eventually we can entertain saying more truths in tougher times.
2. Listen first. Communicate second. Listening is an amazingly under-utilized skill. Most people believe that it’s passive, but that’s inaccurate. To actively listen is to fully participate. It is an active skill set. We must give ourselves permission to process, chew on thoughts, imagine the future, conceive ideas, and understand another point of view to healthily communicate. All of these skills are listening-related skills, and they take time to use and time to develop.  Practice a small step by noticing times that you interrupt in conversation. Actively work to avoid interrupting. Notice when you’re not giving eye contact and increase the frequency that you do. Positive, engaged eye contact helps the other person to feel heard. Once we have a clearer picture of the situation through listening, we can communicate our next thought with purpose.
3. Express your need(s) in the moment. In the heat of the moment, we can more easily forget ourselves. We may have a screaming match with a partner or friend before we realize what we’re doing or why. Getting a clear picture of our needs in the moment (especially during a conversation that is emotional) is essential for healthy interactions. Again, small steps for change are best. One idea to consider is simply stating our uncertainty in the moment – “I don’t know what I need right now, but I know this isn’t helping.” Or we can ask for something – “I need ‘think-it-over’ time and I’m exhausted. Can we rehash this after I sleep on it?” Or we can express feelings and a need – “I feel so angry, like I’m going to explode, and I need to cool off right now. I’m going for a walk.” As long as we intend to return to the conversation solution-focused and we don’t intentionally hurt anyone else, there is no wrong need and no wrong time to ask for it. Especially a need in the moment.
4. Only talk about yourself. Our own individual experience is all we really know. In addition, our own individual experience can never be denied unless we allow it to be. Assertive communication is about using “I” language, and not “you” language. We are best heard when we express ourselves to another through these sentence starters – I think, I feel, I want, and I need. When we take out the “you” in a discussion, or in other words, when we avoid pointing the finger, we drastically reduce the blame language and the potential for the other person to become defensive. Saying “You made me feel like a pile of crap!” is different than saying “I felt so alone and so hurt.” It can be the exact same difficult situation with a set-up for a potentially much improved outcome.
5. Be willing to negotiate. Remember before when I mentioned you are 50% of the solution? That is because we are only responsible for ourselves in the act of communicating. We have very little control (if any) over another person’s experience, their willingness to engage politely or their use of positive communication skills along with us. When this happens, we may need a mediator to help. But it is also necessary to see when we are the 50% that is interfering with progress. We sometimes have to be willing to give to get. Negotiation skills also take time to develop. One small starter step is recognizing how we can clean up our side of the street. What do I do that blocks a mutually satisfying outcome? What can I “give up” that would benefit us both? Another step is to calmly and sincerely ask the other person: “What would you do in my shoes?” or “How can we resolve this together?”