Setting and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

There are three main types of boundaries we set and maintain with others.

1. Our physical selves (physical intimacy, sex, proximity, etc.)
2. Our belongings (money, home, car, clothes, etc.)
3. Our emotional property (secrets, stories, thoughts, feelings, etc.)

With each of the three main types of boundaries we set with other people, we can find that too rigid or too open can both be unhealthy places. If I am too rigid with physical intimacy, or with my home or clothes or money or in sharing my feelings, I can end up quite lonely. And the reverse – too open physically, emotionally or too carefree with my belongings can leave me feeling taken advantage of or worse – in dangerously vulnerable circumstances.

We all have an ideal ‘sweet spot’ somewhere in the middle. And each of our temperaments or collection of life experiences may lean us one way or another within the healthy realm. But to maintain the balance of not too open for exploitation and not too closed off from the world, we have to do two different skills. We have to set up a barrier at times, and we have to break down a barrier at other times.

What does that look like?

To set up a barrier, we need to recognize that not everyone, every moment has earned the right to touch us, or borrow our things, or to hear our story. There are people and places and times when a limit is required to maintain a healthy boundary. Saying no is important sometimes. I have the right to put myself first. I have the right to go slow and build trust over time. Relationships can be established with mutual respect before becoming too open or too vulnerable. I have the right to protect my assets.

And yet –

We also have the right to break down our barriers. I have the right to reach out and ask for help and to become part of a community. I can ask for closeness from a loved one, and to offer my friends and family to borrow my things. It can help to tell trusted people in my life about my deepest secrets and vulnerabilities. I can get out of my comfort zone, my bubble of what is known, and take a healthy risk.

So how do I do this?

This starts small. The best way to change our status quo of boundaries and to have the change last is to fold in moments. Begin with small requests, a safe ‘no, I cant.’ It’s starting with simply paying attention to when we violate our own barriers – either too weak or too rigid. We can recognize where I can let loose a little, and where I can shore up a little. It’s about getting solid advice, and giving it. It’s about honest communication with loved ones. We can send that text, share that funny story, and laugh off an embarrassing moment with a friend.

What is one boundary that you can shore up or loosen in a healthy way?